Diet Complete! WooFugginHoo!!!!!!!

Day 154

Starting weight: 205

Current weight: 150

Pounds to go: 0

The diet officially ended tonight. Wohoo! I attended my last Optifast group meeting tonight and drank my last shake. I am back on food, I actually have been for a couple of weeks and my weight has been holding steady. Starting next Wednesday I will be taking a 10 week maintenance class as I learn the right way to eat and keep off the pounds. For those of you who do math, I am 15 lbs shy of my originally stated “goal” weight. However, I decided to stop at 55lbs because well honestly, I don’t know where I would find 15 more lbs to lose (except maybe my boobs and I am not giving them up without a fight). I am a size smaller than my goal size and I am happy with my body for the first time in 13 years. I am strong, I am healthy, and I am happy. Bring on the hard stuff!

She flies thru the air with the greatest of ease…

So, 2 weeks ago, boyfriend K and I took grandma to see Cirque Du Soleil- Corteo. It was my first CDS experience and I was moved to tears. LOVED IT. There was a routine with girls hanging from chandeliers and I decided then and there, that was what I wanted to do when I grew up. I told a friend about it and she told me there was a trapeze school in Escondido. So, I looked it up online and sure enough, she was right! Trapeze High is located in Escondido, CA and for $45 you can take a beginners class. I decided that it was time, once again, to stare a little fear in the face. And I wanted to get a little high!

I was very excited and more that a couple shades of nervous. K went along to video the whole thing and to lend a little moral support. His presence calmed me, he was encouraging, and he got some great video.

We started out with a little “ground” school, but within 10 minutes I was climbing the tiny ladder and getting connected to the safety lines. All too fast, it was my turn to jump off the platform and swing on the bar over the net. It was exhilarating! At the end of a couple swings we had to drop to the net. We repeated this exercise twice. Then it was time to learn to hang from our knees. I would swing out, then Dave (the guy running the safety lines and teaching the class) would bark the order “Legs up now!” and I would straddle my legs up to hook on the bar. At the top of the backswing Dave would yell, “Let go now!” and I let go of the bar and swung back holding the bar with only the backs of my knees. Then back to the bars with my hands, knees let go, swing and back flip into the net. At this point in the lesson I am doing great while in the air, but I’m shaking like a leaf on the ground. I figure thats the end of the class. NOPE! They bring out another guy to swing from the next swing and we do the knee hang swing again, but this time instead of putting our hands back on the bar after the knee hang swing the catcher grabs our hands and we let go of our knees. Then we drop into the net. I did this 3 times, it was amazing. By the time I was back on the ground I was hooked. I can definitely see this school becoming part of my regularly scheduled programming.

Muah!

Don't look down!

Set This House In Order: A Romance of Souls

Title: Set This House In Order: A Romance of Souls

Author: Matt Ruff

First, I have to say, this is not a romance novel. Which is good, because I would rather pluck my bikini line with tweezers than read a romance novel. Side-note: I listened to a Nicholas Sparks audio book once on a road trip. The sheer ridiculousness of it kept me awake while driving, gave boyfriend and I something to laugh at, made me ashamed to live in a world where this “writer” was a best seller, and had me wondering  if Mr. Sparks likes lace curtains and bubble baths.

Anyhow, I devoured all 496 pages of “Set This House In Order” in 1 day, that is how much I enjoyed it. Matt Ruff is a great storyteller. I really enjoyed his first book, “Fool on the Hill” which seemed to me like an adult fairy tale. It was a great read, very fantasyish.  So, I was surprised when I picked up “Set This House In Order” which is about two people with Multiple Personality Disorder due to abusive upbringings coming to terms with their past.  The contents of these two books couldn’t have been more different, but one thing was consistent, the story was well told.

In STHIO, the character development was fantastic. This was no easy task considering the two main characters had at least 5 separate characters (personalities) each that had to be introduced and developed, and I felt like I knew all of them well. The plot line was simple, which was important because with all of the characters a complex storyline would have muddied the waters.  Even so, there were no plot-holes or loose ends. The ending was a bit anti-climactic but at least Ruff didn’t take the “and they all lived happily ever after” way out.

Ruff is quickly climbing my favorite authors list. In fact, his most recent book “Bad Monkeys” is sitting on my bookshelf, calling to me. However, I have a rule… I don’t read the same author back to back. I am not sure why, I think because writers either have a certain style, or their subject matter is often very similar between books that the books have a tendency to run together in my memory.  So, I think next I will pick up “Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman” by Haruki Murakami . Murakami is currently my favorite author. Unfortunately this is the last book of his that has been translated into English that I have not yet read. I’ll let you know how it is.

Remembering to chase joy

In 2006, I took a year off work to “find myself”. OK, so really it was a lot of goofing off, sleeping in, a fun jaunt to D.C., a fantastic cruise in Alaska and a great cross-country road trip. During this time boyfriend reminded me that only I could determine/discover what brought me joy. He taught me to chase that joy with everything I had. Unfortunately, I had to go back to work last April. As the mundaneness of life took over and the stress level rose, the chase wound down.

In a discussion we had the other day he made a statement that hit me like a slap in the face. He basically said that while my life was full of “doing stuff”, I was doing almost nothing that brought me joy. He was right, cleaning the house is not really satisfying me. I have been putting the chase on hold for way too long now.

So here is my re dedication:

I am going to start taking more glassblowing classes.

I am going to continue doing yoga.

I am going to snuggle a little longer in the morning, even if it makes me a little late to work.

I am signing up for the 2008 3-Day Breast Cancer walk, due to Optifast I am sitting this year out but I am already excited for next year!

And, as soon as the Optifast is over I am going back to gymnastics, at least once a week.

More to come later, need sleep now.

Yoga

My Tuesday nights belong to Heathen. Heathen is the closest thing I have had to a sister. Once upon a time we were roommates, but as usual boys ruin everything and boyfriend was ready to co-habitate (ok, I was too! Big love baby!). So Heathen and I set up Tuesday night date night to soothe our separation anxiety. Originally we met at the rock climbing gym but when I went on the Optifast diet we had to stop because my strength went in the toilet. So I suggested Yoga thinking that would be less strenuous and equally stress-relieving. I was right about the stress relieving part, not so much on the strenuous part. It is AMAZING! The class we are taking is called Kripalu Yoga and I am in love. Boyfriend says I come home energized and the stress is gone from my eyes. I even did headstands in the last class! As always, I am in awe of Heathen, she does everything with ease.

Day 43

Starting weight: 205

Current weight: 176.5

Pounds to go: 41.5

Today, it feels like its getting easier. Don’t get me wrong, food still beckons, especially the smell of freshly delivered pizza drifting down from the apartment upstairs. I guess I am realizing that I am in this for the long haul.

My relationship with food has never really been fulfilling (yes, pun intended). Eating always felt like what I needed or wanted, but I was never satisfied by it. I would eat more because I felt I needed more, even though I was no longer hungry. So I guess what I wanted or needed had nothing to do with food. Food only fuels the body, it really has no magical ability to solve problems or make me happy, but I sure acted like it did. I am most definitely a control freak, but I was definitely letting food run my life because I gave it this ability to make everything better. Of course, it never did live up to the hype and inevitably I would beat myself up over the binges. This left me feeling awful and as usual the cycle would then repeat itself. It’s crazy that I was causing myself so much pain, who wants to live like that? The worst part is, now that I am not able to use food to mask whatever unpleasant feeling I was hiding from, I realize that nothing feels as bad as I was making myself feel.

This is why the Optifast system is working for me. I was able to remove food completely. Doing so enabled me to see these patterns and habits. It’s ridiculous, but until now I really didn’t take responsibility for my weight. I blamed it on genetics, health problems, slow metabolism, and ex-husbands. Now, I realize that I did this and I have to fix it. I really hope I can take this awareness and use it to keep from falling back into old habits when I start re-introducing food into my life.

Day 35

Starting weight: 205

Current weight: 182.5

Pounds to go: 47.5

So, I wrote out a whole entry, and then accidentally deleted it. FUCK!!!! I feel like everything is so hard lately. As if nothing is going my way. I hate this mode of thinking, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy and it is just another version of the victim pose. It just feels like I can’t catch a break. Maybe this is just me, the control freak, knowing I really don’t have control in most areas of my life. Or, maybe I am just feeling sorry for my self because I can’t eat. I try not to beat myself up for this struggle. But really, my hometown is on fire, hundreds of thousands of people have been evacuated from thier homes. Hundreds of famillies have lost thier homes and all of thier possessions, and I am bitching about wanting food. My perspective is fucked! Or, maybe it’s perfectly normal. Really, isn’t it human nature for a person to only focus only on the issues that directly affect them. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. There is so much fucked up shit in this world, if you were to say your feelings don’t count when there are bigger problems out there, then your feelings would NEVER count. Don’t get me wrong, I am worried about my city, my neighbors, my friends and my family. And, I think these fires are awful and heartbreaking. But, the rage and sorrow I feel about not eating is not diminished by my concern for others and thier problems. I am thankful for having a home to go home to and all of my possesions are intact, I am thankful that Keith and I are safe and have a roof over the dogs heads, but I still want the god damn bag of Goldfish with Buffalo Wing flavoring in Keith’s bookshelf.

So, an update on the weightloss. I have a weigh in tomorrow, but as of last week I had lost 22.5 lbs in 4 weeks. My bloodpressure is down and I feel very healthy- lighter even. I have been walking 2-3 miles 3+ times per week, lifting weights and doing yoga once a week. Honestly, I feel the best (and the least hungry) when I get to workout. I can taste the anger and irritability when I don’t. Unfortunately, there has been too much ash in the air for anything other than a short walk since last Sunday, and my mood is foul because of it. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow brings an end to the fires, better air quality for me, and peace to the world!

Muah!

Day 2

Current Weight 205 lbs

Goal Weight 135

70 Lbs to go!

This is my weight loss journey. I am participating in a medically supervised very low calorie weight loss program called Optifast. Essentially, it is a 140 day (yes, thats 5 months!!!) liquid fast consisting of 450 calories per day from the Optifast Powder which provides all of the vitamins and nutrients you need on a daily basis. I have been told to expect an average of a 4lbs weight loss per week. As I said, it is medically monitored and I will have blood labs run every other week to check for unhealthy levels of any kind. The most important aspect of this program is that they also treat the psychological aspects of eating. I will learn not only how to eat and keep the weight off, but why I got to 205 in the first place.

I will explain why I made this decision and what brought me to this place another day, today was too emotional. So, as I said, I am on day 2 of no food. I will say, I am NOT hungry. I actually expected to be famished, but I feel full almost all the time. I am not tired or run down. But, I want to eat. This is a real eye opener, it shows me how much I was relying on food. I didn’t realize how much I crave food even though I am not hungry. I have a huge craving for :

Pizza

Cheez-Its

Curry

Trader Joe’s Thai Baked Tofu

Salad (this one blows me away!)

Blue Cheese Burger

But, I am not hungry so it has been easy to not cave. I just have to keep telling myself 2 down and 138 to go. I can do this!

Life does not suck

Keith and I went for a bike ride last night down to Sunset Cliffs. We stopped so Keith could photograph sunset. So, I sat on the cliff over the ocean watching pelicans dive for dinner while the sunset in the background. Every couple of minutes a wave would crash into the rocks and a light spray would hit my face and I would think, “I am so lucky!”

What is the What?

So, I rarely buy hardcover books. It’s not because of the price, I just don’t have the arm strength to hold a book that heavy over my head for hours at a time. I almost always read while laying on my back with the book between my eyes and the light/sun. The light doesn’t really bother my eyes, my OCD requires that the book be held at an angle that it completely block out the outline of the light or sun. But, holding a hardback at that angle causes me to read for shorter periods of time. This is a problem with the book I started yesterday, “What is the What” by Dave Eggers. Eggers also wrote “A Heartbreaking Work of Stagering Genius”, which I thoroughly enjoyed but it took me weeks to finish even while unemployed although I am not sure why. WITW, however, is impossible to put down. I didn’t even want to buy it until it came out in paperback but I made the mistake of picking it up and reading the first chapter in the store while Keith was still pawing through travel books at Borders and I knew it would be added to my backlog within the week.

Here is my current book backlog:

  • “After Dark” by Haruki Murakami- This was actually next on my list and it had to be bumped for WITW (which is HUGE cause Murakami is by far my favorite author right now)
  • “The Sweet Smell of Psychosis” by Will Self- a Keith recommendation
  • “Post Office” by Charles Bukowski- another Keith recommendation
  • Oblivion by David Foster Wallace

There are many more, but these are the four currently sitting on top of the half bookshelf next to the bed waiting patiently to be read. Time to get back to the book!