I spent most of this weekend in the air. And 1 night this week for that matter. I had a baby shower last weekend so I was only able to trapeze on saturday. Feeling a little short changed, I decided to take off early on tuesday and do a bit of midweek flying. I got to the rig at 3 and flew till about 5:30. Dave and Lindsay were both there to instruct and Lindsay did a bit of flying too. Being the only student was kind of nice and I felt a lot of progress in those 2.5 hours. I started feeling better about my takeoffs and started to feel things clicking in my swing. I continued the progress on Saturday, focusing on swings mostly. It was a good day despite the weather. It was over 90 out there and there is not a lot of shade. It was also really dry which really tightens the net and I was bouncing all over the place. There was a catcher at class, Darren. So, I decided to throw a two position split at him, unfortunately I hadn’t practiced them for a while. My first attempt was good, but I wasn’t reaching for him and was moving my arms to my sides so that catch failed. My second attempt was interesting. Somehow I managed to get one arm caught, but not the other. Darren had me by one arm and was able to safely send me to the net. Sunday, was even hotter than Saturday was. And, honestly, my hands were a little worse for wear. I did a few swings, then decided I wanted to try a backend split. It’s very similar to the two position split I had been woking on, but requiring a better swing and getting into the position at the back of the swing. I tried 3 times before I was successful. I was so excited on the last one that I didn’t even notice that my hands were starting to resemble hamburger meat. Actually, Heathen wins the prettiest hands competition today. Her rips had rips and they were all bloody. As she said, “she put the gore in gorgeous” today! And, Sunday’s class was extra kung-fu special cause my awesome boyfriend came out to brave the heat and took a BUNCH of photos! Big Love and thanx Baby!
I had trapeze class #2 yesterday. Like the first class, it was amazing. Unfortunately, the adrenaline rush was not as prevalent, making things harder. There were 5 people in the class and I was the only non-virgin. So, I got to do a bit of demonstrating. A fact they did not tell me till I was on the platform lining up for a trick! I also learned a new trick, a 2 position split. I struggled with the trick a bit. Partly because it takes a lot of strength to hold, but also because I had 4 seperate teachers all telling me different things. While doing the tricks, I felt sloppy, uncoordinated and way off. However, when I reviewed the video at home that afternoon I realized it looked a lot better and I was a lot closer than I thought. And, I did catch the trick… I really love this sport!
Tonight I went back to the gym for the first time in over a year! It was awesome. I was amazed at how much easier everything was 55 lbs lighter. Really the only thing holding me back most of the night was my own fear. Finally, I got mad and said, fuggit, I am not gonna have any fun if I let the fear win. And I started throwing tricks. I successfully hit a couple of front tucks and a few roundoff backhandsprings. It’s good to be strong again!
Starting weight: 205
Current weight: 150
Pounds to go: 0
The diet officially ended tonight. Wohoo! I attended my last Optifast group meeting tonight and drank my last shake. I am back on food, I actually have been for a couple of weeks and my weight has been holding steady. Starting next Wednesday I will be taking a 10 week maintenance class as I learn the right way to eat and keep off the pounds. For those of you who do math, I am 15 lbs shy of my originally stated “goal” weight. However, I decided to stop at 55lbs because well honestly, I don’t know where I would find 15 more lbs to lose (except maybe my boobs and I am not giving them up without a fight). I am a size smaller than my goal size and I am happy with my body for the first time in 13 years. I am strong, I am healthy, and I am happy. Bring on the hard stuff!
So, 2 weeks ago, boyfriend K and I took grandma to see Cirque Du Soleil- Corteo. It was my first CDS experience and I was moved to tears. LOVED IT. There was a routine with girls hanging from chandeliers and I decided then and there, that was what I wanted to do when I grew up. I told a friend about it and she told me there was a trapeze school in Escondido. So, I looked it up online and sure enough, she was right! Trapeze High is located in Escondido, CA and for $45 you can take a beginners class. I decided that it was time, once again, to stare a little fear in the face. And I wanted to get a little high!
I was very excited and more that a couple shades of nervous. K went along to video the whole thing and to lend a little moral support. His presence calmed me, he was encouraging, and he got some great video.
We started out with a little “ground” school, but within 10 minutes I was climbing the tiny ladder and getting connected to the safety lines. All too fast, it was my turn to jump off the platform and swing on the bar over the net. It was exhilarating! At the end of a couple swings we had to drop to the net. We repeated this exercise twice. Then it was time to learn to hang from our knees. I would swing out, then Dave (the guy running the safety lines and teaching the class) would bark the order “Legs up now!” and I would straddle my legs up to hook on the bar. At the top of the backswing Dave would yell, “Let go now!” and I let go of the bar and swung back holding the bar with only the backs of my knees. Then back to the bars with my hands, knees let go, swing and back flip into the net. At this point in the lesson I am doing great while in the air, but I’m shaking like a leaf on the ground. I figure thats the end of the class. NOPE! They bring out another guy to swing from the next swing and we do the knee hang swing again, but this time instead of putting our hands back on the bar after the knee hang swing the catcher grabs our hands and we let go of our knees. Then we drop into the net. I did this 3 times, it was amazing. By the time I was back on the ground I was hooked. I can definitely see this school becoming part of my regularly scheduled programming.
Title: Set This House In Order: A Romance of Souls
Author: Matt Ruff
First, I have to say, this is not a romance novel. Which is good, because I would rather pluck my bikini line with tweezers than read a romance novel. Side-note: I listened to a Nicholas Sparks audio book once on a road trip. The sheer ridiculousness of it kept me awake while driving, gave boyfriend and I something to laugh at, made me ashamed to live in a world where this “writer” was a best seller, and had me wondering if Mr. Sparks likes lace curtains and bubble baths.
Anyhow, I devoured all 496 pages of “Set This House In Order” in 1 day, that is how much I enjoyed it. Matt Ruff is a great storyteller. I really enjoyed his first book, “Fool on the Hill” which seemed to me like an adult fairy tale. It was a great read, very fantasyish. So, I was surprised when I picked up “Set This House In Order” which is about two people with Multiple Personality Disorder due to abusive upbringings coming to terms with their past. The contents of these two books couldn’t have been more different, but one thing was consistent, the story was well told.
In STHIO, the character development was fantastic. This was no easy task considering the two main characters had at least 5 separate characters (personalities) each that had to be introduced and developed, and I felt like I knew all of them well. The plot line was simple, which was important because with all of the characters a complex storyline would have muddied the waters. Even so, there were no plot-holes or loose ends. The ending was a bit anti-climactic but at least Ruff didn’t take the “and they all lived happily ever after” way out.
Ruff is quickly climbing my favorite authors list. In fact, his most recent book “Bad Monkeys” is sitting on my bookshelf, calling to me. However, I have a rule… I don’t read the same author back to back. I am not sure why, I think because writers either have a certain style, or their subject matter is often very similar between books that the books have a tendency to run together in my memory. So, I think next I will pick up “Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman” by Haruki Murakami . Murakami is currently my favorite author. Unfortunately this is the last book of his that has been translated into English that I have not yet read. I’ll let you know how it is.
In 2006, I took a year off work to “find myself”. OK, so really it was a lot of goofing off, sleeping in, a fun jaunt to D.C., a fantastic cruise in Alaska and a great cross-country road trip. During this time boyfriend reminded me that only I could determine/discover what brought me joy. He taught me to chase that joy with everything I had. Unfortunately, I had to go back to work last April. As the mundaneness of life took over and the stress level rose, the chase wound down.
In a discussion we had the other day he made a statement that hit me like a slap in the face. He basically said that while my life was full of “doing stuff”, I was doing almost nothing that brought me joy. He was right, cleaning the house is not really satisfying me. I have been putting the chase on hold for way too long now.
So here is my re dedication:
I am going to start taking more glassblowing classes.
I am going to continue doing yoga.
I am going to snuggle a little longer in the morning, even if it makes me a little late to work.
I am signing up for the 2008 3-Day Breast Cancer walk, due to Optifast I am sitting this year out but I am already excited for next year!
And, as soon as the Optifast is over I am going back to gymnastics, at least once a week.
More to come later, need sleep now.
My Tuesday nights belong to Heathen. Heathen is the closest thing I have had to a sister. Once upon a time we were roommates, but as usual boys ruin everything and boyfriend was ready to co-habitate (ok, I was too! Big love baby!). So Heathen and I set up Tuesday night date night to soothe our separation anxiety. Originally we met at the rock climbing gym but when I went on the Optifast diet we had to stop because my strength went in the toilet. So I suggested Yoga thinking that would be less strenuous and equally stress-relieving. I was right about the stress relieving part, not so much on the strenuous part. It is AMAZING! The class we are taking is called Kripalu Yoga and I am in love. Boyfriend says I come home energized and the stress is gone from my eyes. I even did headstands in the last class! As always, I am in awe of Heathen, she does everything with ease.
Starting weight: 205
Current weight: 176.5
Pounds to go: 41.5
Today, it feels like its getting easier. Don’t get me wrong, food still beckons, especially the smell of freshly delivered pizza drifting down from the apartment upstairs. I guess I am realizing that I am in this for the long haul.
My relationship with food has never really been fulfilling (yes, pun intended). Eating always felt like what I needed or wanted, but I was never satisfied by it. I would eat more because I felt I needed more, even though I was no longer hungry. So I guess what I wanted or needed had nothing to do with food. Food only fuels the body, it really has no magical ability to solve problems or make me happy, but I sure acted like it did. I am most definitely a control freak, but I was definitely letting food run my life because I gave it this ability to make everything better. Of course, it never did live up to the hype and inevitably I would beat myself up over the binges. This left me feeling awful and as usual the cycle would then repeat itself. It’s crazy that I was causing myself so much pain, who wants to live like that? The worst part is, now that I am not able to use food to mask whatever unpleasant feeling I was hiding from, I realize that nothing feels as bad as I was making myself feel.
This is why the Optifast system is working for me. I was able to remove food completely. Doing so enabled me to see these patterns and habits. It’s ridiculous, but until now I really didn’t take responsibility for my weight. I blamed it on genetics, health problems, slow metabolism, and ex-husbands. Now, I realize that I did this and I have to fix it. I really hope I can take this awareness and use it to keep from falling back into old habits when I start re-introducing food into my life.
Starting weight: 205
Current weight: 182.5
Pounds to go: 47.5
So, I wrote out a whole entry, and then accidentally deleted it. FUCK!!!! I feel like everything is so hard lately. As if nothing is going my way. I hate this mode of thinking, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy and it is just another version of the victim pose. It just feels like I can’t catch a break. Maybe this is just me, the control freak, knowing I really don’t have control in most areas of my life. Or, maybe I am just feeling sorry for my self because I can’t eat. I try not to beat myself up for this struggle. But really, my hometown is on fire, hundreds of thousands of people have been evacuated from thier homes. Hundreds of famillies have lost thier homes and all of thier possessions, and I am bitching about wanting food. My perspective is fucked! Or, maybe it’s perfectly normal. Really, isn’t it human nature for a person to only focus only on the issues that directly affect them. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. There is so much fucked up shit in this world, if you were to say your feelings don’t count when there are bigger problems out there, then your feelings would NEVER count. Don’t get me wrong, I am worried about my city, my neighbors, my friends and my family. And, I think these fires are awful and heartbreaking. But, the rage and sorrow I feel about not eating is not diminished by my concern for others and thier problems. I am thankful for having a home to go home to and all of my possesions are intact, I am thankful that Keith and I are safe and have a roof over the dogs heads, but I still want the god damn bag of Goldfish with Buffalo Wing flavoring in Keith’s bookshelf.
So, an update on the weightloss. I have a weigh in tomorrow, but as of last week I had lost 22.5 lbs in 4 weeks. My bloodpressure is down and I feel very healthy- lighter even. I have been walking 2-3 miles 3+ times per week, lifting weights and doing yoga once a week. Honestly, I feel the best (and the least hungry) when I get to workout. I can taste the anger and irritability when I don’t. Unfortunately, there has been too much ash in the air for anything other than a short walk since last Sunday, and my mood is foul because of it. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow brings an end to the fires, better air quality for me, and peace to the world!