Day 35
Starting weight: 205
Current weight: 182.5
Pounds to go: 47.5
So, I wrote out a whole entry, and then accidentally deleted it. FUCK!!!! I feel like everything is so hard lately. As if nothing is going my way. I hate this mode of thinking, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy and it is just another version of the victim pose. It just feels like I can’t catch a break. Maybe this is just me, the control freak, knowing I really don’t have control in most areas of my life. Or, maybe I am just feeling sorry for my self because I can’t eat. I try not to beat myself up for this struggle. But really, my hometown is on fire, hundreds of thousands of people have been evacuated from thier homes. Hundreds of famillies have lost thier homes and all of thier possessions, and I am bitching about wanting food. My perspective is fucked! Or, maybe it’s perfectly normal. Really, isn’t it human nature for a person to only focus only on the issues that directly affect them. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. There is so much fucked up shit in this world, if you were to say your feelings don’t count when there are bigger problems out there, then your feelings would NEVER count. Don’t get me wrong, I am worried about my city, my neighbors, my friends and my family. And, I think these fires are awful and heartbreaking. But, the rage and sorrow I feel about not eating is not diminished by my concern for others and thier problems. I am thankful for having a home to go home to and all of my possesions are intact, I am thankful that Keith and I are safe and have a roof over the dogs heads, but I still want the god damn bag of Goldfish with Buffalo Wing flavoring in Keith’s bookshelf.
So, an update on the weightloss. I have a weigh in tomorrow, but as of last week I had lost 22.5 lbs in 4 weeks. My bloodpressure is down and I feel very healthy- lighter even. I have been walking 2-3 miles 3+ times per week, lifting weights and doing yoga once a week. Honestly, I feel the best (and the least hungry) when I get to workout. I can taste the anger and irritability when I don’t. Unfortunately, there has been too much ash in the air for anything other than a short walk since last Sunday, and my mood is foul because of it. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow brings an end to the fires, better air quality for me, and peace to the world!
Muah!