Jenferner.com

Day 154

Starting weight: 205

Current weight: 150

Pounds to go: 0

The diet officially ended tonight. Wohoo! I attended my last Optifast group meeting tonight and drank my last shake. I am back on food, I actually have been for a couple of weeks and my weight has been holding steady. Starting next Wednesday I will be taking a 10 week maintenance class as I learn the right way to eat and keep off the pounds. For those of you who do math, I am 15 lbs shy of my originally stated “goal” weight. However, I decided to stop at 55lbs because well honestly, I don’t know where I would find 15 more lbs to lose (except maybe my boobs and I am not giving them up without a fight). I am a size smaller than my goal size and I am happy with my body for the first time in 13 years. I am strong, I am healthy, and I am happy. Bring on the hard stuff!

Starting weight: 205

Current weight: 176.5

Pounds to go: 41.5

Today, it feels like its getting easier. Don’t get me wrong, food still beckons, especially the smell of freshly delivered pizza drifting down from the apartment upstairs. I guess I am realizing that I am in this for the long haul.

My relationship with food has never really been fulfilling (yes, pun intended). Eating always felt like what I needed or wanted, but I was never satisfied by it. I would eat more because I felt I needed more, even though I was no longer hungry. So I guess what I wanted or needed had nothing to do with food. Food only fuels the body, it really has no magical ability to solve problems or make me happy, but I sure acted like it did. I am most definitely a control freak, but I was definitely letting food run my life because I gave it this ability to make everything better. Of course, it never did live up to the hype and inevitably I would beat myself up over the binges. This left me feeling awful and as usual the cycle would then repeat itself. It’s crazy that I was causing myself so much pain, who wants to live like that? The worst part is, now that I am not able to use food to mask whatever unpleasant feeling I was hiding from, I realize that nothing feels as bad as I was making myself feel.

This is why the Optifast system is working for me. I was able to remove food completely. Doing so enabled me to see these patterns and habits. It’s ridiculous, but until now I really didn’t take responsibility for my weight. I blamed it on genetics, health problems, slow metabolism, and ex-husbands. Now, I realize that I did this and I have to fix it. I really hope I can take this awareness and use it to keep from falling back into old habits when I start re-introducing food into my life.

Starting weight: 205

Current weight: 182.5

Pounds to go: 47.5

So, I wrote out a whole entry, and then accidentally deleted it. FUCK!!!! I feel like everything is so hard lately. As if nothing is going my way. I hate this mode of thinking, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy and it is just another version of the victim pose. It just feels like I can’t catch a break. Maybe this is just me, the control freak, knowing I really don’t have control in most areas of my life. Or, maybe I am just feeling sorry for my self because I can’t eat. I try not to beat myself up for this struggle. But really, my hometown is on fire, hundreds of thousands of people have been evacuated from thier homes. Hundreds of famillies have lost thier homes and all of thier possessions, and I am bitching about wanting food. My perspective is fucked! Or, maybe it’s perfectly normal. Really, isn’t it human nature for a person to only focus only on the issues that directly affect them. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. There is so much fucked up shit in this world, if you were to say your feelings don’t count when there are bigger problems out there, then your feelings would NEVER count. Don’t get me wrong, I am worried about my city, my neighbors, my friends and my family. And, I think these fires are awful and heartbreaking. But, the rage and sorrow I feel about not eating is not diminished by my concern for others and thier problems. I am thankful for having a home to go home to and all of my possesions are intact, I am thankful that Keith and I are safe and have a roof over the dogs heads, but I still want the god damn bag of Goldfish with Buffalo Wing flavoring in Keith’s bookshelf.

So, an update on the weightloss. I have a weigh in tomorrow, but as of last week I had lost 22.5 lbs in 4 weeks. My bloodpressure is down and I feel very healthy- lighter even. I have been walking 2-3 miles 3+ times per week, lifting weights and doing yoga once a week. Honestly, I feel the best (and the least hungry) when I get to workout. I can taste the anger and irritability when I don’t. Unfortunately, there has been too much ash in the air for anything other than a short walk since last Sunday, and my mood is foul because of it. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow brings an end to the fires, better air quality for me, and peace to the world!

Muah!

Current Weight 205 lbs

Goal Weight 135

70 Lbs to go!

This is my weight loss journey. I am participating in a medically supervised very low calorie weight loss program called Optifast. Essentially, it is a 140 day (yes, thats 5 months!!!) liquid fast consisting of 450 calories per day from the Optifast Powder which provides all of the vitamins and nutrients you need on a daily basis. I have been told to expect an average of a 4lbs weight loss per week. As I said, it is medically monitored and I will have blood labs run every other week to check for unhealthy levels of any kind. The most important aspect of this program is that they also treat the psychological aspects of eating. I will learn not only how to eat and keep the weight off, but why I got to 205 in the first place.

I will explain why I made this decision and what brought me to this place another day, today was too emotional. So, as I said, I am on day 2 of no food. I will say, I am NOT hungry. I actually expected to be famished, but I feel full almost all the time. I am not tired or run down. But, I want to eat. This is a real eye opener, it shows me how much I was relying on food. I didn’t realize how much I crave food even though I am not hungry. I have a huge craving for :

Pizza

Cheez-Its

Curry

Trader Joe’s Thai Baked Tofu

Salad (this one blows me away!)

Blue Cheese Burger

But, I am not hungry so it has been easy to not cave. I just have to keep telling myself 2 down and 138 to go. I can do this!