I do not currently own a full length mirror. All of my mirrors only show from the tops of my shoulders up. In fact, in order to see how I look before heading off to work, I have to stand on the bed.
I haven’t stepped on a scale since mid-May.
This may lead you to think that I have a bad body image or am living in denial. Not so fast… it’s turning out to be quite the opposite. Really, this was an accident. I moved out to Florida a month before Beast to find a place to live and help get the trapeze rig set up without my household belongings. Then, when Beast and the mini-beasts moved to Florida, our stuff took it’s sweet little time to make it’s way across this great country of ours. I’m pretty sure it stopped off to see Graceland and Dollywood on the way. Anyhow, my scale and mirrors were packed neatly away in the storage container. And, the house we moved into did not have mirrored closet doors like our last place.
So, I told myself that I would wait for the scale and mirrors. In the meantime 2+ months had passed and, guess what? My negative inner voice (you know the one that tells you how fat you are) didn’t have as much to say. I started feeling better about myself. And, my clothes started loosening. Not being one to accept such success, I started worrying about the jarring experience I would have the next time I accidentally wandered in front of a store window or saw my self in a photo. I thought that not visually weighing myself or actually weighing myself would allow myself to be in denial and cause a lapse in working out or eating right. I eventually let that worry go. Truth was, I ate better and worked out more because I wasn’t constantly telling myself that it was a waste of time, nothing was changing. And, when I accidentally wandered in front of a full length mirror? I was happy to see myself smiling.
I’m not sure how long I’ll go without stepping on that scale, but I learned something from this accidental experiment. Being healthy outside is easier if you are healthy inside as well.
I’ve had to revise my definition of healthy. What’s yours?
So, yeah. I guess it’s been a while. For a long while I tried to tell myself that I fell off the blogging bandwagon because life got busy. Honestly, I stopped because it was hard to write posts that showed the darkness I was experiencing. I guess I’m kind of like my dogs, they don’t show it when they are hurting, it makes them vulnerable. So, what was hurting me? I placed a lot of weight on what others think. And I was putting others expectations in front of my own. The area in my life that this was most prevalent was work. Work has always been a big part of my life, I used my position and pay scale as part of my identity. It’s hard to not make your work a big part of who you are. It’s 1/3 of your day after all. But, what if you are miserable in that job? I hit a moment of clarity after a 96 hour work week including a 20 hour work day. I realized that I was barely surviving life and making my life decisions based on what I thought other people wanted or expected of me. It occurred to me that if those people were the kind of people I want in my life, then their only expectation of me should be for me to be happy. I left my job the next day. That was 6 months ago.
Since then, I have moved across the country to Jacksonville, Florida with Beast. And, I have taken a job as a trapeze instructor. I miss my friends and family in San Diego, but I am really enjoying my new life. I look forward to going to work, in fact I love my job at Trapeze High Florida. I have been fortunate enough to be able to focus my time here on chasing joy. I have been doing a lot of flying, working at the rig, and focusing on getting healthy, emotionally and physically. I have days (like today) where I want to lay on the couch like a zombie, but those are coming less often. I am very lucky to have Beast who is supportive and pushy. He wants the trapeze school to be a success so that I can continue to do what I love. He is happy when I tear up while telling him that I love my job. He has made a lot of sacrifices for me to have the life I have, so have I. I guess no one said being happy is easy, but I think it’s worth it.
I will be posting with more regularity, with my new life, I have a lot to say. Expect pictures, recipes, and general babbling. It’s good to be back!